“Death is Knocking” – Samantha Mayo

I can’t find any real meaning to my life.  I really can’t think of any reasons to live.  Why not take my life?  There are not very many people who would miss me.  I’m sure a handful of people would gather for the service and say, “Oh, that’s too bad.” or “I just don’t understand.”  No one really gives a shit; they never have.  Probably never will if I choose to live.  I imagine I would struggle, poor and with what little beauty I have left would fade.  My kids would hate me and I die sad and alone.  The same way I came into the world.

I can’t lie and say I haven’t had blessings but I gave it all away in search of securing love, I suppose.

I always asked myself, “what’s wrong with me?” I guess no one would know if they were the problem.  I must be.  I tried so hard with my husband and that failed.  I tried so hard with my parents and siblings and failed again.  They just used me until I had nothing to give, then left me alone in the world.

Does it matter I’m scared and suicidal.  Why haven’t I gotten the courage to just end it all.  I feel weak and full of shit.  I’m thinking this next time I’ll make sure I don’t wake up.  I wonder if they will shave my head and sell my hear or bury me in a card board box never worth loving, too afraid to die, needle in arm, sitting on the bathroom floor crying.  Spirits so broken I just need a little hand.  Hoping this shot will take me to another land.

My joke of an existence, living day and night alone and scared.  I would tell someone if I could find someone who gave a shit.  So ready to say fuck it and just quit.

Samantha

(Editors note: No worries.  We care, and Samantha’s getting help.)

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