Cards against Humanity: 99% Off Sale!


Today is Black Friday, Cards Against Humanity’s favorite holiday. This year, we want to remind everyone of the reason for the season: deals.

Holy fuck have we got some deals. Every ten minutes, a new deal will go live on this page. Don’t be frightened by the deals. Just click and let the savings wash over you.

As the ancient Mayans foretold, a savings event of this magnitude only occurs once every thousand years. Act now while supplies last.

20-foot Yurt

20-foot Yurt

  • 336 sq. ft. with room for up to 15 generals and scribes.
  • Complex and arduous assembly required.
  • Only for serious yurt people.
  • Flammable.


All-New Absurd Box

  • We took peyote and wrote this.
  • 300 brand-new cards.
  • Pretty good.


Absurd Box spread #3

$20 Bill

  • A $20 value!
  • Legal tender for all debts public and private!
  • An unbelievable $19.80 in savings!
  • Stay tuned for more incredible deals!

85-inch Sony 4K Ultra HD Smart LED TV

  • Very big.
  • Many pixels.
  • Lots of colors.
  • Entertainment.

17th Century Italian Halberd

  • Unique item.
  • 8 feet long.
  • 20% chance to cast Frost Nova.
  • This is an actual Renaissance polearm, it’s totally badass.

Life-Size Orlando Bloom Cut-Out

  • It’s Legolas!
  • There are worse actors.
  • Still pretty hot.
  • Google-Image “orlando bloom penis.”
2015 Red Ford Fiesta (25k miles)

2015 Red Ford Fiesta (25k miles)

  • That’s right. It’s a motherfucking car.
  • This car’s got it all–seats, wheels, cupholders, you name it.
  • Drive it to work, or just make it go “beep beep!”
  • No road crimes, please.

Presidential Mahogany Casket

  • Brand new, unused.
  • Almond velvet interior.
  • Protect your lifeless body from microbes and insects.

1.5 Carat Lab-Grown Diamond Engagement Ring

  • Like it? Put a ring on it.
  • Propose in public. Make a whole scene.
  • 50% of marriages end in divorce.
  • Free returns!

Poncho Toilet

  • It’s a poncho you can poop in.
  • Avoid long bathroom lines.
  • Includes 1 poo bag, 1 pee bag, and 2 cloth wipes.
  • Perfect gift for gamers.

$800 Applebee’s Gift Card

  • Attractive rectangular shape.
  • Glossy finish.
  • Multiple colors.
  • Fits in your wallet.

Original Picasso Lithograph

  • Original 11″x15″ signed by Picasso.
  • Supposedly depicts his friend, Jean Cocteau.
  • It’s a Picasso.

Bill Pullman’s Actual Flight Suit from Independence Day

  • We will not go quietly into the night!
  • We will not vanish without a fight!
  • We’re going to live on!
  • We’re going to survive!
  • Today, we celebrate our Independence Day!

Portable Sauna

  • Your personal paradise.
  • Gentle infrared heat rays open your pores and promote sweating.
  • Just look at it!
  • Probably a fire hazard.

Portable Hair Dryer Bonnet Attachment

  • It’s finally here.
  • Safe, lightweight, comfortable, and convenient.
  • Take your hair on a journey from wet to dry.
  • Hair dryer not included.

$100 Bill

  • A $100 value!
  • Legal tender for all debts public and private!
  • A once-in-a-lifetime $99.00 in savings!
  • As big as money as goes!

“Big Bertha” Arcade Game

  • Feed Big Bertha.
  • Throw the balls into Bertha’s mouth.
  • She’s really hungry.
  • Hurry.

LELO “Olga” 24-Karat Gold Dildo

  • Pleasure fit for a queen.
  • Pointed tip for deep satisfaction, flattened tip for G-spot and clitoral stimulation.
  • Hand wash only.

5-day Vacation to Fiji for Two

  • What a great idea.
  • You deserve it.
  • Long plane ride.
  • Come to Fiji.

Costco 50-lb Wheel of Pecorino Romano Cheese

  • Pungent.
  • Italian.
  • Too much.
  • Warning: contains dairy.

Bowflex Revolution Home Gym

  • SpiraFlex® Technology designed for NASA.
  • Over 100 exercises with up to 400 variations.
  • Join the revolution!
  • You have nothing to lose but your chains.

Gucci Princetown Goat Hair Slides

  • Oh my god.
  • US Size 7-B.

500 Pounds of Dry Garbanzo Beans

  • High in protein.
  • Probably a superfood.
  • Hope you’re hungry!

Bust of Former President Barack Obama

  • Life-size.
  • Looks just like Barack Obama.
  • Ask him for advice or absorb his noble silence.
  • No nipples, sorry.
Alchemical Rainbow Crystal Harp with Silver Ions

Alchemical Rainbow Crystal Harp with Silver Ions

  • Escape the illusion of linear time.
  • Reunfiy your lower vibrational consciousness with your multidimensional self.
  • Ascend in the crystalline beingness of the Solar Cosmic Christ.

Eight Foot Gummy Python

  • Weighs 27 pounds.
  • Longest recorded gummy snake.
  • Sticky.
  • Guaranteed diarrhea.

La-Z-Boy PowerRecline XR

  • You know this one.
  • Big chair.

Double-Decker Cat Stroller

  • When a single decker cat stroller isn’t enough.
  • Take your cats to the park or to visit your son in prison.
  • Cats not included.

Herbeau “Dagobert” Toilet Throne

  • Ash wood exterior.
  • Exquisite hand-painted porcelain.
  • Take a crap like a Hapsburg prince.
  • Ring a bell when you’re done.

GERi Nursing Skills Geriatric Medical Doll

  • Interchangeable female and uncircumcised male genitalia
  • Intramuscular injection sites at arm, thigh, and buttock
  • Great for dinner parties!

40-Inch Disco Ball

  • Big.
  • Shiny.
  • Spherical.
  • Really fucking big.

Rejuvenique Facial Toning Mask

  • Something to do with skincare?
  • I think it electrocutes your face.
  • I don’t know what it does, actually.
  • Please be careful.

Tremendous Inflatable Eagle

  • Absolute unit.
  • This eagle is going to be a problem for you if you buy it.

Signed “Mean Girls” Poster

  • We were told Rachel McAdams signed this through her car window while leaving Jimmy Kimmel Live, Amanda Seyfried signed it at an Italian restaurant, and Lindsay Lohan signed at a radio station.
  • It’s from eBay.

September 11th Commemorative Coin

  • One ounce of 99.9% pure silver.
  • Support our troops.
  • Never forget.
  • Don’t let the terrorists win.

19th Century Butter Churn

  • Life on the prairie is simple, but honest.
  • Typhoid took little Eustace this autumn past.
  • Pa said he’ll break out the fiddle after supper.
  • Back to work, Joseph. Winter won’t be long now.

Dan Aykroyd’s Cone Head from the Movie “Coneheads”

  • The titular cone from the eponymous head.
  • Actually worn by Dan Aykroyd in “Coneheads”
  • Disgusting.
  • Gnarfel the Garthok in style.

Fist-Sized Emerald

  • The size of a fist!
  • Over 2,500 carats.
  • Polish it endlessly.
  • Jealously guard it like a dragon.
  • Throw it into a pond or something.

Guitar Signed By Jimmy Carter

  • Make up your own story for why Jimmy Carter signed this guitar.

Inflatable Bubble Camping Tent

  • Post it on Instagram. Make your life look better than it really is.
  • Extremely loud pump included.
  • Could you suffocate in this thing?
  • We have substantial concerns regarding the quality of this product.

600 Live Ants

  • 700 ants? Too many.
  • 500 ants? Not enough.
  • 600? Just the right number of ants.

Hot Dog Cart

  • Live the American Dream. Own a small business.
  • Classic chrome exterior with iconic umbrella.
  • Does not include hot dogs or condiments.

Pirate Ship Adventure Party Bounce House

  • It’s a bounce house!
  • Bounce up and down.
  • Turn your backyard into a deadly carnival.
  • Great for your weekend with the kids.
Emperor Workstation

Emperor Workstation

  • Overwhelm your senses.
  • Alienate your family.
  • You’ve been in this chair your entire life.

“King of the Jungle” Lion Mask

  • Hand-made in the Netherlands.
  • Resembles a lion.

Hot Dog Cart

  • Live the American Dream. Own a small business.
  • Classic chrome exterior with iconic umbrella.
  • Does not include hot dogs or condiments.

Pirate Ship Adventure Party Bounce House

  • It’s a bounce house!
  • Bounce up and down.
  • Turn your backyard into a deadly carnival.
  • Great for your weekend with the kids.

Signed Photograph of Richard Nixon

  • Features 37th president and total dreamboat, Richard Nixon.
  • Did you know that Richard Nixon founded the EPA?
  • America’s original daddy!

8-foot Statue of Anubis, Egyptian God of the Dead

  • Bow before me or suffer my wrath!
  • Enjoy my sturdy fiber-glass construction!
  • Gaze upon my staff of power!
  • Don’t tip me over.
Honeywell Survivair 777777

Honeywell Survivair 777777

  • Features low-pressure aluminum puma facepiece with 2,216 PSIG.
  • Not for use in outer space.
  • You might not need this now, but you will some day.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • What the fuck is going on?

    To celebrate this season of incredible Black Friday deals, Cards Against Humanity is offering a dazzling array of consumer products for 99% off.

  • Is this real?

    Yes. All of these products are actually available for 99% off, and if you purchase something we will actually ship it to you.

  • But the deals seem too good to be true!

    We’ve chosen to make them true. That’s the miracle of Black Friday.

  • Can the global financial system handle these deals?

    Most economic indicators suggest “no.”

  • Surely you must be losing a lot of money on this promotion.

    Oh dear yes. This is a financial catastrophe for our company.

  • How were the products on this page selected?

    Our team of experts spent over 500 hours researching the highest-rated consumer goods and exclusive collectable items. Every item was plotted on a six-dimensional chart of desirability, style, functionality, value, charisma, and je ne sais quoi.

  • What’s the Absurd Box?

    The Absurd Box is Cards Against Humanity’s brand new 300-card expansion. While it normally retails for $2,000 USD, today it’s available for 99% off.

  • I tried to get in on a deal but it sold out!

    You have no one to blame but yourself.

  • I thought you were a potato chip company now.

    Yeah, that didn’t work out. We did a 360 pivot.

  • What’s your strategy here?

    We might be losing a little money now, but in the long run, we hope to make it up in volume. We like to think we’re following in the footsteps of our hero, Jeff Bezos.

  • Is there any language that your lawyers demanded you paste onto this website?


    All items are sold “as-is.” If your item doesn’t arrive, or is damaged in transit to you, or you are otherwise unhappy with the purchase, you are eligible for a refund of up to a maximum of the purchase price you paid (plus applicable sales tax). No exchanges will be made. All items except the Absurd Box are available only in the US. It is your responsibility to ascertain and obey all applicable local, state, federal, and international laws (including minimum age requirements) in regards to the possession, use, and sale of any item purchased from this site. By placing an order, you represent that the products ordered will be used only in a lawful manner.

NAACP issues warning about Texas voting machines: Votes for Beto O’Rourke changed to Ted Cruz


The NAACP Legal Defense and Educational Fund, Inc. and Texas State Conference of the NAACP just wrote a powerful letter to the Texas Secretary of State, Rolando B. Pablos, insisting that he protect the voting rights of all Texans after reports of ominous irregularities from voting machines throughout the state.

“In the past week, we have received reports from individuals and voter advocacy groups that some Texas voters attempting to cast a straight-ticket ballot for the Democratic Party on Hart eSlate machines have seen their selection for U.S. Senator switch at the last moment to the candidate for the Republican Party,” the NAACP and LDF wrote in their letter. “We have not received reports that this is happening to Texas voters attempting to cast a straight-ticket ballot for the Republican Party on these machines. But our request that your office do more on this issue is non-partisan and will protect all voters.”

After describing how the machines in question are used in 82 of Texas’ 254 counties, with at least nine of those counties reporting difficulties, the letter goes on to list government concerns about potential Russian meddling in the electoral process and expresses alarm about the fact that if vote tampering were to occur, it would be “nearly impossible to audit after an election, once votes have been cast and election results have been called.” It also claims that Pablo’s office has not gone far enough to address voters’ concerns and calls for him to “immediately assemble an emergency task force of examiners, in accordance with your responsibilities and powers under the Texas Election Code, to inspect and audit a representative sample of the Hart eSlate machines currently in operation in at least the counties of Coryell, Fort Bend, Galveston, Harris, McLennan, Montgomery, Nagadoches, Tarrant, and Travis, as well as any other counties where similar issues have been reported to your office or in the media to date.”

Supreme Court Lifts Restrictions on Trump’s Travel Ban, Affecting 24,000 Immigrants (cuz no one’s ancestors ever came here as an immigrant, right?)

H13 travel ban

Back in the United States, the U.S. Supreme Court has temporarily lifted restrictions on President Trump’s travel ban—meaning about 24,000 refugees may now be barred from entering the United States. Last week, an appeals court in Seattle ruled that tens of thousands of refugees who had received promises of assistance from refugee resettlement organizations should be allowed to enter. But on Monday, the Supreme Court intervened to block this ruling. The Supreme Court is soon expected to issue a fuller ruling on the ban, which blocks refugees and all citizens of six majority-Muslim nations from entering the U.S.

LePage said 7,600 Mainers fought for the Confederacy. It was maybe 30.

This recruiting sign, which came from a Kennebunk recruiting office for a Civil War regiment formed in 1864, was on display at the Maine State Museum in 2014. (BDN file photo)

Calling himself “a history buff,” Gov. Paul LePage revised Civil War history as we know it on Tuesday saying “7,600 Mainers fought for the Confederacy.”

Approximately 30 people are confirmed to have gone from Maine to the Confederacy, including students who left Bowdoin College in Brunswick and what is now Colby College in Waterville to fight, but they could have been from other parts of the country.

Maine’s history as one of the proudest Union states is well-documented. It sent about 73,000 people to war — a higher proportion than any other state — and more than 9,000 died, though there were some pockets of Southern sympathizers.

A few men with Maine ties became Confederate generals, including the Leeds-born Danville Leadbetter, the Avon-born Zebulon York and Josiah Gorgas, who controlled the Kennebec Arsenal in Augusta from 1856 to 1858.

But those three hardly qualified as Mainers at the time they joined the rebels. Leadbetter went to the South originally as a U.S. Army officer. York joined as a Louisiana plantation owner. Gorgas was moved from Maine to other assignments before quitting the Army and going to Alabama to fight the Union.

LePage also said on WVOM the war was “a property rights issue” when it began, saying Lincoln made it about slavery “to a great degree,” but Elizabeth Leonard, a Colby College history professor, said the governor “is wrong there, too.”

Slaves were property then and Southern states’ right to slavery was a major issue of the 1860 election, which was narrowly won by Lincoln in a crowded field. More than 62 percent of Mainers voted for him, a percentage topped by only three other states. Mainer Hannibal Hamlin was Lincoln’s first vice president.

Abortion protesters return to Portland, Maine after court rules against them

PORTLAND, Maine — The protesters outside Portland’s Planned Parenthood clinic weren’t screaming Friday morning, but not because of a court order.

It was the first of the regularly scheduled anti-abortion demonstrations since a federal judge ruled that police may again enforce Maine’s noise ordinance against protesters outside the women’s health center. And the activists kept their admonitions to a low shout despite the decision not yet being in effect.

On Tuesday, the 1st U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals overturned a lower court ruling, finding that police can enforce the noise section of the Maine Civil Rights Act against the protesters because, as written, the law is message neutral.

The ruling is the latest step in a legal drama that started in 2015 and could now be appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court, the issue at hand being whether or not the First Amendment gives protesters the right to scream epithets such as “Murderer!” and “Whore!” at patients entering the clinic, of course, in the name of Jesus.



Down Goes the Mooch! – The Resistance with Keith Olbermann

President Trump Ramps Up North Korea “Fire and Fury” Threats


Returning to our top story, President Trump on Thursday ramped up his threats of hitting North Korea with “fire and fury,” saying if the North were to carry out an attack on Guam, the U.S. would retaliate with military action, “the likes of which nobody has seen before.” This is President Trump speaking to reporters from inside his private golf resort in Bedminster, New Jersey.

President Donald Trump: “And I think they—it’s the first time they’ve heard it like they heard it. And frankly, the people that were questioning that statement—was it too tough? Maybe it wasn’t tough enough. They’ve been doing this to our country for a long time, for many years, and it’s about time that somebody stuck up for the people of this country and for the people of other countries.”

North Korea responded in a statement calling Trump a “senile man who can’t think rationally.” The North also detailed its threat to strike Guam, saying it would launch four intermediate-range missiles into the waters off the U.S. territory.